morning thought

is it wrong to do a head count at a funeral and wonder if yours can top that?

shadows

I don't always come to the right conclusion, or connect the right dots, because it's hard for me to get away from the shadow of my own experiences and prejudices.

When I was twenty on a trip to Vietnam, my brother Nhan stuck a package of postcards of Ho Chi Minh in my bag. When I emptied the contents of my bag onto the table, my father saw the cards and went crazy.

"I fought against this bastard, and you go and buy pictures of him?"

My father looked at me long and hard then stormed out the room. Dumbfounded, I stood there because I've never seen my father go off like that before (well except for the one time two months ago, but in his defense my mother had it coming---that woman knows how to needle. My father is like a bag of Orville popcorn in the a very slow cooking microwave. My mother has been cooking him painfully for 40 plus years and you know what happens when one kernel gets going. POP POP POP POP. Saw the whole thing. It was awesome!)

Anyhow, my ball-less brother, the owner of the postcards, said nothing. Saw the steam train coming and just let me get run over.

For the past sixteen years, when I think about this story three things jumps out at me...

1. How mad my father got.

2. How easily i brushed it off. the war is over, get over it kind of mentality.

3. What a balls-less brother I have!

So translation, my father was wrong for yelling at me for something that's not my fault...those were my shadows and it followed me until recently.

Anyhow, the other day a customer of mine told me how my father had talked to her about the war.

NOTE: my mother talks to me nonstop about things, but my father doesn't really mention much about anything.

She said he told her about a conversation he overheard between two boys. A conversation that he said had haunted him the day he witnessed it.

He was a soldiers fighting against Ho Chi Minh's forces. And like other soldiers, he was stationed in a village, living among the villagers. The soldiers take turns patrolling the area outside the village, then come home to rest. My father overheard a little boy asking a friend, "my father came home today, did yours?"

That is my father's shadow. The Orville bag has been cooking for a while on the Ho Chi Minh thing. I don't want to be the flame that ignites it anymore. My shadow is going take a backseat to my father's on this one.

got this one

Theres an old couple who wrote everything down to help them remember. One day as they were watching tv, the old lady asked the guy,

"Honey, would you get me some ice cream?"

The old man replied, "sure" and got up to get the ice cream.

"You better write it down," the old lady reminded him.

"I got this one," he replied.

As the old man started towards the kitchen, the lady shouted, "would you put some of that chocolate sauce that i like?"

"Sure," the old man said.

"You better write it down," the old lady told him.

"I got his one," he assured her.

When he made it to the kitchen, the old lady made one last request.

"Would you put some of the whip cream that i like."

"Sure," the old man said.

"You better write it down," she suggested.

"I got this one," he told her.

Fifteen minutes later, the old man placed a plate with two strips of bacon, and two eggs in front of his wife. She looked at him and quipped, 'i told you to write it down, you forgot my toast!"

----

I received my first "fan mail" from a Ms Renee yesterday. Hope you like the joke, and keep your expectations low.

morning thought

What would suck more?

1. To get on jeopardy and not make the final round because you can't seem to get out of negative territory?

or

2. Go back to work after the show airs to find out that google has taken over your role as the go to person for answers to the crossword?

morning thought

Does anyone else find themselves policing the express lane at the grocery store, making a mental count of the number of items the people in front of you have, seething when someone is an item over, making up rules to a very loosed interpretation of the word "items" (such as different flavors yogurt counts as 1 item, but an apple and a banana count as two items--and finding yourself stuck as to how to calculate a twixt and snicker bar)?

morning thought

Is "regular" a size at other coffee shops because 8 out of 10 people when asked what size they want will respond with "regular" at my place, and that does nothing to clarify things for me.

redeeming points

The first thing my father said today when I got to work was,

"I'm going to start taking $20 a day from you for Tet (Vietnamese New Year)."

For the past couple of years, my father has been sending his friend in Vietnam $500 dollars for the Vietnamese New Year with instructions to give it away to people who need it. So my father's friend, goes out into the streets and randomly hands out $20 bills (people in that part of Vietnam make about 50 cents a day).

There is a belief in many Asian cultures that how you begin the New Year is an indication of how the rest of your year will go. My father hopes the money will allow them to buy some new clothes and have a good feast, and hopefully the rest of their year will be plentiful and if not, then at least they will have a great week.

When my father started doing this, he said to me,

"Han, this will score you points with heaven." (I prefer scoring earthly stuff at the mall)

For the past couple of New Years, I've started the year twenty dollars shorter. Just hoping my dad is right about the whole heaven thing, cause I just bought a boat and I'd like to redeem my points for a nautical GPS system.

next best thing

If my fishing skills doesn't improve, I want to come back as an Eagle because on those nature shows an Eagle never misses when it scoops down to get a fish. You never see it fly up empty handed, looking longingly down at the water with an "oh crap" expression.

real value

My mother is all about the hunt. Every year for Christmas and every business trip that my brother Quoc goes on, he buys my parents a tea set. My mother never talks about the tea sets when friends or relatives come over. What my mother will brag about is this dwarfed lemon tree in the front yard, that gives about ten lemons all year old. I carted the lemon tree home on a borrowed wheel barrow for over a mile. Every lemon that dwarfed tree produces is worth more than 1000 exotic tea sets, at least to my mother the hunter.

morning thought

I know it's a time for giving and it's just a buck or loose change, but does anyone else avoid eye contact with the people that ring the bell outside of groceries store or malls?

lemons for tangerines

During fight 50,938 my mother asked why I have to get so angry.

I told her she shouldn't plant lemons and then get mad when they don't become tangerines.

She walked away without saying anything else to me because she knows she has the worst temper in the family. 1st fight ever with me getting the last word...bring on 50,939.

live bullets

I was a candy pusher in middle school. I used to get about 10 different kinds of candy for a penny at Amaco, but my biggest seller was the fortune bubble gum. It’s a stick of gum, in lucky Chinese red wrapper with a fortune inside. My mother drove me to Amaco once a week, I’d buy ten dollars worth and put them in bags of twenty five pieces and resold it for fifty cents a bag.

I never had to take into account the gas it took every week, the time spent in the car, time spent on separating the candy, the bags and rubber bands my mother paid for without asking for reimbursement. Every bag I sold, I made a quarter. Simple mathematics.

“There’s nothing in there, it’s not even live,” I protested.

The airport agent pointed to the sign about transporting ammunition and illegal goods.

“Can I send it? What if I send it?” I insisted.

The airport agent pointed to the sign prohibiting the mailing of ammunition and illegal goods.They got their stuff covered on this side of the gate, which is funny because I didn’t see any of these signs when I came into Saigon.

“You know the guy who sold this said I shouldn’t have any problems.”

Once again, he referred me to the sign.

Three bucks a bullet. Advertised as real authentic bullets from the Vietnam war (but in Vietnam it’s known as the American war). For an extra buck, I could get a keychain slapped on it. The bullets were sold all over the streets of Saigon. I bought six as souvenirs.

“So you’re saying, there’s no way these bullets are leaving with me out of Vietnam? Why is it even legal to sell?"

After ten minutes of protests, I unwillingly handed over the bullets. The airport agent dumped them into a box, filled with thousands of other bullets, the same bullets that he will sell to the vendors on the streets of Saigon as soon as his shift is over.

Three bucks a bullet, for an extra buck they'll throw in a keychain. Six souvenirs waiting for the next sucker. Twenty four bucks gone along with a piece of my faith in humanity. Mathematics, sometimes it's just not that simple.

morning thought

How come it took two astronauts to do repairs to the coolant system on the International Space Station, but it's taken as many as ten police officers to deal with a homeless guy jaywalking?

morning thought

Why do people put their best foot forward with strangers but show the ugly sides to their loved ones?

It's going to suck when I'm old. My memory is going to be crap, having to always put my best foot forward because I won't remember who I can be ugly to.

Cold turkey

About my father:

*When I was in the 4th grade, for Christmas I asked my father to stop smoking. He quit, cold turkey. No questions asked.

*I bought him my first gift in the 5th grade. A framed poster of a rooster standing tall and proud, and underneath it said,

"I'm the boss of the house and I have my wife's permission to say so."

Two months ago I saw him show it off to my little nephew with the edge of the frame all brittled and falling apart.

*In the seventh grade I made a lazy susan in shop class. Unlike other lazy susans which rolled evenly, mine rolled like a merry-go-around (not intentionally--it was off on a few measurements) low on one end and high on the other. My father put it on the table with soy sauce, chili sauce, kim chi and fish sauce, and held out his hands to catch falling condiments on every spin. Never complained once.

*In the 9th grade, my father bought me a brand new Sentra tennis racket with a fully enclosed bag, because I needed a racket for my tennis team. My father made $10 an hour at the time, the racket cost $60, no questions asked.

*When I was in college my father decided to lose weight. He lost over 30 lbs without ever gaining an ounce of it back. He started exercising and gave up 75% of his rice intake cold turkey.

*A few months ago I decided to take on a plumbing job. My father entered three hours later to a bathroom flooded with a mixture of water and drano and pipes laid about the floor. He tried to put the pipes back, but what I take apart no layman will be able to put back together. My father came back with a mop and towels and we cleaned up the mess while we waited for a licensed professional.

My father turns 70 tomorrow. For his birthday I'm giving up woodworking and plumbing, cold turkey---no questions asked.

Happy birthday dad!

runner up

The other day the lady sitting next to me on the plane asked, "do you speak English?"

Turned out she wanted to chat. Me, I would have opted for a different opening, something like, "how bout dem cowboys?"

It was ironic that it happened when it did because I had just spent four days with an old friend of mine from high school who kept telling me how I was the second whitest Asian in high school (Jamie Woo took first place). Next time if someone asked if i spoke English, i'm going to brag about my runner up trophy in the white washed competition.

morning thought

I wonder if anyone has ever bought a lottery ticket and think, "these numbers can't go all the way?"

leave out all the rest

"When my time comes,

forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest."

Dear Mom,

I know you will never read this, but I do want your memories to survive. I try, but you're making it harder and harder everyday for me to leave out all the rest.

morning thought

I'm going to start a business and call it "The Other Half." I will sell socks, but not as pairs but one sock because I have easily 50 socks at home looking for its mate.

making the team

True conversation in the car coming home from basketball try outs last friday the 5th.

"What do you think LT?"

"110 percent chance I'm going to make it auntie."

SIDEBAR: when you're young, percentages go from zero to infinity.

"Feeling pretty good there?"

"At any given try outs, the top five kids stand out, and the bottom five kids stand out, it's the rest of the field that the coaches have to weed out."

"Umm okay, and where did you get this from?"

"I'm just saying, that's how it works."

SIDEBAR: "i'm just saying" is code for pulled it out of my ass.

"Okay, you did a good job today of weeding yourself out."

"Your play doesn't have anything to do with it, because we are all pretty much the same level. But, I got it taken care of auntie."

"I'm scared to ask LT."

"I've introduced myself in email this summer, and I've been in his office to chat."

"Chat? Like see how his wife is doing? If he is diversifying his portfolio?"

"Aaaunntttiieee."

SIDEBAR: i have never Eddie Haskelled any of my teachers when i was younger, so i was only half kidding with the whole portfolio thing.

"Talked sports, 9ers, Giants, sports, relationship building stuff."

"Okay LT, no more day time talk shows for you."

"He knows more about me than he does the other kids auntie."

"Here LT, add this box of milk duds to the relationship building."

The list for the 2010-2011 basketball team came out on tuesday. My little nephew (aka little eddie as i refer to him now) made the final cut. Relationship building and milk duds, that's how the Trinhs roll, "i'm just saying."